Q:Special:Search/Rodney Dangerfield



Rodney Dangerfield (November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), born Jacob Cohen, was an American comedian and actor.

Sourced

 * I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
 * Quoted in Bob Fenster, Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros (2005), p. 37


 * There goes the neighborhood.
 * Epitaph, quoted in Patricia Brooks, Laid to Rest in California (2006), p. 20

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

 * I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
 * p. 4


 * In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
 * p. 6


 * What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
 * p. 7


 * I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
 * p. 8


 * When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
 * p. 9


 * When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
 * p. 10


 * I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
 * p. 12


 * My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
 * p. 13


 * I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
 * p. 14


 * A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
 * p. 15


 * I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
 * p. 16


 * I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
 * p. 17


 * I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
 * p. 18


 * What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
 * p. 19


 * I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
 * p. 21


 * I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
 * p. 59


 * When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
 * p. 126.


 * I don't get no respect!
 * p. 127

Misattributed
Because Dangerfield's signature style is to be self-demeaning, many jokes of this type by other comedians are wrongly attributed to Dangerfield.


 * I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!
 * Actually originated with Henny Youngman.